Who are you?

"Before you speak, listen.

 Before you write, think. 

 Before you spend, earn. 

 Before you invest, investigate.

 Before you criticize, wait.

 Before you pray, forgive.

 Before you quit, try.

 Before you retire, save.

 Before you die, give."

They say when you live, you learn; I'm a big believer in making mistakes. I've gone my whole life trying to fit in, trying to see where I would fit best within my peers. To this day I still haven't figured it out. I am realizing now as an adult that, that should have never been my focus. My focus should have been spent being the best Samantha I can be. There are many woman in this world, & many Samantha's for that matter. But there is only one of me. If I was always acting as if I were an Ashley or a Jessica then. I wouldn't be me would I?
Who wants to be something they're not. It's a lot of hard work! You have to change your hair, change your smile, act differently, do research on the proper way to be an Ashley or Jessica. Frankly, that's just too much work. It's so much easier to smile at the things YOU want to smile at, & laugh at the things YOU think are funny.

My name is Samantha.

I grew up on the beautiful east coast of Canada. Playing in the waves & climbing trees. Perfect life for a young girl through her path of discovery. I spent a lot of time alone. I was comfortable that way. My favorite thing to do when no one was around was sing. I couldn't help myself, I'd sing about my day, my dream husband. Usually love stories. I thought I was wonderful! I've been caught a few times, pretty embarrassing if you ask me.

School was a different story, fitting in wasn't the issue, the nerds & geeks loved me. I was a queen. I underestimated them. Jeez they're smart. I only wish I would have cared so much about calculus, I would really be laughing now, like they probably are at me, having they're six digit salaries. I don't blame them! I was too focused on boys, myself, & being popular. Never turned out the way I wanted. I was the typical teenager. Disrespectful, angry at the world, & believed I knew the meaning of life. No one could tell me different. I was lucky my mother raised me properly, she loved me even when I was the most difficult person to even look at, I would ware an amazing amount of make up caked on my face, trying to hide the lies & thievery. It was tough for her as a mother, I can only imagine how frustrated she would get, of course adding on a brother with his own teenage issues didn't help. I suppose I have that coming to me. Luckily not any time soon.

Do I feel bad for all the pain I've caused? Back then I did, yet didn't have the guts to say it with any true meaning, I'd joke about it saying " yeah yeah, I'm sorry. " then turn around & do it again, it was a vicious cycle. Now don't get the wrong idea, I wasn't a horrible person. I just acted that way. Inside I was soft & sensitive. Hurt by the little things & nonchalant about the things that would matter later in life. It worked out in the end.  I would listen to angry music for a week & change it up to sad music. Go on emotional roller coaster rides, thinking "he's the one".. All that dramatic stuff. But yes, it's all payed off.

I've realized that, even though I've been into the same trap of the vicious cycle, it never really ends until the lesson is truly learned. I used to steal. Badly. It wasn't as serious as robbing banks or anything. It was worse. Stealing from the ones who meant most to me. It was like, pushing your crush on the floor as she cries to show affection. A faze. I did it over & over again, stealing things I didn't need. Just to feel that I was lucky enough to have things I didn't have. To be like them. Going back to me trying to fit in. Only, it just caused more pain. I hurt the most important people in my life for a tube of lip stick! How on earth did I think that was worth it?

I didn't lean my lesson until I got a serious kick in the ass. I was spoken to softly by a woman I looked up to. It killed me to see her hurting from something I could have easily prevented. My sticky fingers cause a woman pain. How could I not see that at the time is beyond me. That woman wasn't the only person I hurt during my "faze".  My parents. God Bless. Thank goodness they could stand being around me & continued to love me like I was perfect. Being hard on me with perfect doses. It was just as the doctor ordered. They didn't kick me out for any reason I didn't deserve. I felt what it was like to suffer pain from surviving on my own. Living with friends & group homes, doing things I would regret later. Nothing as serious as taking any unnatural drugs. Just trying to fit in. It never worked.

I began to notice something. As I sat in my new room that had to be inspected by staff members; that not only was I living a life that was not meant to be, I was turning into something more fierce, worse than I could ever imagine, someone I'm not. My soul was changing. I wasn't the sweet girl who sang to herself when she was sad, I was becoming the girl who screamed at whoever got in her way. Angry.

I started to get sad. Sad that my life wasn't going in the right direction, & knowing I needed to change it. After the sadness passed, as it always does with a little time. My life changed.

I started to actually study for tests. Exams were becoming easier. More natural. I started to spend more time alone, rather than with the girls that just got me into more trouble. Changing my world so that I could be the adult who sang to herself when life was wonderful, & not being shy about it at all. Grades were climbing, I was feeling great.

Then I met this boy.  We'll call him Trevor. Trevor was mysterious. Unlike any boys I've ever met. And he liked me. I fell for him. Although I knew that this wasn't what I was looking for, I perused it.

We started to sneak out, until six in the morning. Talking on the phone for hours. Giggling and telling each other stories. I began to see where I was headed. Back to the life of the delusional. I was beginning to get seriously distracted. & then it happened.

It started when i woke up sick. Pains in my stomach, starving but could stomach a single egg. Sore breasts, everything was sore now that I think of it. I realized I was pregnant. I was scared, I couldn't get enough sleep, I was always tired. So I got a job & tried to stay sane. I told my mother & of course she flipped. & Dad just didn't want me to abort the pregnancy. Which, I didn't of course, I brainstormed it with mom, who wanted me to do what was right for me, & at the time she thought that would be the best thing to do. It wasn't. Yet I thought she was right. When you are considering abortion, you have to go talk to a special councilor then get an ultrasound, then actually go for the abortion. I went as far as the ultrasound. The nurse came in, tears were streaming down my face. I was terrified. She rolled the stick with cold jelly on my tummy, & her eyes widened. She spoke softly & said, " I'll just be a minute." & she left. Not long did she return, saying I was all done! .. It was a hard time for me, I was terribly confused. I got a call from my excellent doctor, now this call wasn't your average, your pap came back normal, or your in healthy heart & head condition, it was a call that changed my life forever.

"You're having twins Samantha" she said, my eyes widened & my jaw dropped. I was in complete shock! I couldn't believe what she had just told me. I wasn't scared anymore though, a feeling came over me. An unusual feeling, unlike I've ever felt. after I got off the phone, I said to myself, "these are my children, & I will take care of them" it is and was my responsibility to make sure they were well cared for & safe. & that was not the path I was going to take. I called their soon to be father & told him the news without any care what he thought about my decision. It's my body, my life. & he had a choice to be in it or not, & he was. I called my parents my dad was pretty calm about it, made me feel good. He was actually happy for me! My mom on the other hand. I smile when I think of the situation. She wasn't pleased. But I knew as time went on, she'd get over that scared feeling and turn it into excitement & become anxious to see the twins. & that's exactly what happened.

The twins are 22 months old. The loves of my life, the entirety of my soul. The best decision I've ever made.

I am now a single mother, & couldn't be happier. They have dramatically changed my life for the better, I strive to be the best, not only for myself, but for them. To present a powerful and successful woman to them so that they see what it really means to take care of yourself, be responsible for your actions and care for the ones you truly love. Not only to make mistakes but to also learn from them. I am a dedicated mother of two. I could never be more proud of myself.